Redemption Song

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“You did what?” Quinton asked in disbelief. “I’m a little confused, what does deleting his number do?”

“It severs one line of communication,” I replied matter-of-factly.

I reconnected with my biological father about a year ago and decided recently that it’s probably best that we go our separate ways. My husband knows that I’m notorious for self-protecting and that I believe cutting all lines of communication is most effective in such matters.

Don’t judge me.

Honestly, I felt like a walking contradiction. In one breath I was growing through the process of forgiving him (because he asked for it) and then in another breath I realized that I haven’t forgiven myself for being so hard on me about my emotions when it comes to him.  I thought healing was happening but it was really denial – for us both.

Why is it so easy to forgive other people but not yourself?

“I know me,” I responded confidently to my husband. “…seeing his number in my phone will only tempt me to call and I’m done feeling rejected.”

Truth is I deleted his number on an impulse and yes, I found that I was the one doing all of the outreach. It was disappointing. The last few times that we did speak, the conversation felt forced like I was an imposition. I think I’ve always experienced this when it came to him.

Maybe if I called more often, sent pictures of the kids, put cards in the mail. . . . he’d love me. I was trying to think as an adult but really behaving like the 4 year-old version of myself that felt abandoned by him. I was changing myself for him, again.

I didn’t like it.

There was no forgiveness there. Who was I fooling?!  But I sang that song of denial proudly, “Yes, I now have a relationship with my father.” I even had the nerve to sit boldly and wait for phone calls that seldom came, all the while refusing to articulate my feelings or expectations, trying desperately to endear myself to him.

Lies.

I had a breakthrough last week (convenient, right?!) but it’s true. I experienced a movement that has caused a significant shift in my thinking and now I’m no longer seeing this situation as the 4 year-old Cece who believes she was a victim of her circumstance.

I needed to reclaim my power.  I needed to show myself a little more compassion. I needed a new song to sing.

By waiting on him to call, to respond and show up in my life the way I thought he should was 4 year-old Cece’s expectation. . . . I gave my power away.

Truth.

I’m not saying that I’m completely done. I’m in a different place now ( I hold no ill feelings) and I have perspective, that’s a powerful thing. It was a failed relationship. It happens. I can’t get what the other person does not have or is not willing to give…. and I’m okay with that.

There’s no need to self-protect anymore because I’ve got my own back  (always have) and I’m singing a new song of redemption. This time the forgiveness is for me.

12 thoughts on “Redemption Song

  1. Abrielle Valencia

    Yet another powerful blog! I agree when you stated, “Why is it easy to forgive other people, but not yourself?” This was a major issue for me as well (a while ago). My story is different from yours, but if you’ve read “I Forgive Me” (http://abriellev.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/forgiveness-of-self-is-im/), you will see what I mean. As far as you deleting the number, I can understand that as well. I’ve done the same thing. I’m not sure if it’s a mind game, but it gave me peace of mind. I can’t say I know exactly how YOU feel about the relationship with your father, but I get it. Glad you had a breakthrough! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m anticipating your next blog. 🙂

    • I enjoyed your entry, “I Forgive Me” — absolutely loved it. You understand exactly what I’m growing through right now. I went back and forth on whether to even publish that entry and then decided at the last minute to just do it. I’m hoping to compile all of my experiences in a book someday but for now. I love getting initial reactions. Thanks for the support, chica!

      • Abrielle Valencia

        Cece,
        You’re so welcome! Strong women MUST stick together. Wow! A book? I can see you doing this. I’ll be in line to purchase it, Oh knowledgeable one! 🙂 As always, looking forward to more blogs from you.

  2. divineadvancedhumanbeings.com

    very nice, would like to share with you….

    FORGIVENESS…..

    Before we can live together in an eternal community, we must be assured that there is nothing within us or others that might escalate or evolve into problems in the future. After all it would not be paradise if we continue to bring up all of our old issues among one another.

    When we leave the earth…we go through our life review. We are encouraged to seek our own justice and atonement by going to the parties we have hurt in our lives and asking them to tell us what they want from us in order to make amends. People out there, Solamenta will await the arrival of those on earth that they have committed transgressions against… if they are not already out there in order to make their amends; provided that is, if they are inclined to do so. For example… it’s a humiliating experience for a man to go to his best friend from the earth and confess to him that he had an affair with his wife, stole something from him, cheated him, talked behind his back etc. This is one of the reasons that many wives and husbands don’t continue their relationships out there.

    Forgiveness is a concept, granted it is a sterile and morose concept but nevertheless, it has flourished in spite of the fact there is little if any strength behind the words “I forgive you”. These words mean in essence, let’s forget about it. Forgiveness is a concept that has outlived its time!

    Instead, let’s consider a more logical approach to resolving our differences….

    Hated enemies who find themselves fighting on the same side, become brothers on the battlefield because they are necessary for each other’s survival. When we understand from a logical perspective that you and I are necessary for each other’s eternal survival, we no longer need to say the words, “I forgive you,” but rather, “I understand how badly we need each other”!

    http://www.divineadvancedhumanbeings.com/the-process-and-action-required-for-forgiveness/

  3. You raise a very good question about self-forgiveness. I think it’s hard to do because we lie to ourselves…all the time. Maybe the first step in honesty. What’s the truth? What’s the actual situation here. I also think that in order to forgive ourselves, we have to find where our own responsibility lies. This is different from flat out blaming ourselves, but if we are aware of our own shortcomings in a particular situation, we can better understand. But this is a difficult think to do, because its easier to blame others. This needs to be done before forgiveness. Which may be why it’s so hard to do!

    Nice post, as usual 🙂

    • Hi Katherine — so glad you stopped by. Agh! the blame game, I’m done with it. All it does is keep you in the same place, dwelling on the same things. I’m ready to move on with my life. I’ve got lots of living to do. 😀

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