Barely Conscious….

Posted on by knowledgemaven

I’m channeling my inner Iyanla.What would you confess?

Om. Om. Om.

You know Iyanla Vanzant (or at least have heard of her). She’s notorious for giving it to you straight, and as she so eloquently puts it, “calling a thing a thing.”  She’s perfected truth telling because good, bad or ugly she’s going to say what needs to be said –- even when you don’t want to hear it or agree.

So in the spirit of truth telling, I have a confession, okay-okay 3 confessions:

Confession #1: I get a headache when I listen to the radio now. No, it’s not from old age or the volume… I’m disgusted by what continues to get airplay. If it’s not the expletives or misogynistic lyrics, then it’s womanizing strip club tales or rape – plain and simple.

It saddens me that so many people buy into the hype and think that the lyrics aren’t directed towards them. Newsflash: these low self-esteem songs with all their creative beats and mass-market appeal are targeting you, and you bought into it. Consider this a wake up call to the unconscious: (1). Stop listening to it; (2) Fellas pull up your pants; and (3) For some women, realize that you’re more than your body parts.

Confession #2: I’m more conscious of where I spend my dollars now. I’ll be the first to confess that this is NOT EASY. What large chains have over smaller mom-and-pop shops are variety and sometimes convenience (there’s a major retailer every 2 or 3 miles in any direction).

With tons of information at our fingertips, it’s much easier today to determine if the companies where you spend your hard earned cash practice good ethics and corporate responsibility. For me, this means not supporting companies that are detrimental to the environment or support entertainers that degrade women or people of color or take jobs away from Americans.

Do you know what your money supports?

Confessions #3: I’ve “unliked” more pages and people on Facebook and “unfollowed” more tweeple on Twitter in the past few weeks than I’ve “liked” or “followed” in the past year. My social media feeds were depressing. Some people use Facebook as a personal diary, in one breath they praise God but in the next drop more f-bombs than the cast of Real Housewives of [pick a city]. Or better yet, chalked full of soft porn pictures.

Really? I mean, really?

What’s more, I’m not sure if these social media sites are in reality fostering genuine social interactions. Most conversations are superficial at best – “hi”…”hi”…”bye”…”bye”.

Since my recent unfollows, err I mean updates, my feeds are now motivating and full of positive energy from people that I would talk to offline.

I’m just calling a thing a thing.

Is there anything in your life that you were unconscious about? If you could call a thing a thing, what would you say? What would you confess?

One Small Step Forward

Posted on by knowledgemaven

So I’ve been a little busy this month…writing. Below is an excerpt from the introduction of a book I’m writing. I’d be honored if you share your thoughts with me.

Who do you think you are?

Picture it: you and a group of friends are sitting around having dinner when one of them announces that she has finally decided to start a business, everyone cheers and ceremoniously raise their glasses to congratulate her. As she goes into detail about her ambition, you start thinking about the things you’ve always wanted to do with your life. At this point, you realize you have one of two choices: either you are inspired by your friend’s courage and take a step toward your goal or you do nothing, and continue to talk about what you want to do.

I’m here to tell you with all the sisterly love in the world: stop talking and start doing.

I was the quintessential professional dreamer with hopes, fears and aspirations of living a whole life. I have a thriving career that sustains my livelihood, but something was missing. There was a void; emptiness inside me that no amount of money or professional accolades could fill. On occasion, I would acknowledge the void to appease my ego because I believed that talking about what I wanted to do was the same thing as doing it.

Isn’t that how it works?

I thought maybe if I talked long enough, I’d actually get around to getting it done.

The truth is, deep down I didn’t believe there was anything I could do about my ambitions.  I didn’t think I could do much more than what I was already managing, and I used the excuse of having a family and professional obligations as a reason to give up.

I did what all well-intentioned people do and succumbed to long and creative bouts of procrastination. So I:

  • Purchased dozens of self-help books that were left unread;
  • Spoke passionately about my dream of becoming a writer to my friends and yet did nothing about it;
  • Created an action plan that received no action; and the best one
  • Started aggressively helping other people with their projects, knowing well I could have spent that time pursuing my own ambitions.

Who was I kidding?

Did I really have what it took to be a successful writer? Did I have something to say that people would actually want to read? Could I be inspirational? Was I ready to serve?

My initial answer was a resounding no — I wasn’t ready.

Truth is we all have things in our lives that we would like to try. And yet, for most of us, four major barriers hold us back: fear, doubt, guilt, and shame or any combination thereof. I wrote [title pending] to serve as a reminder to you — and to myself – that there is nothing too great for us to handle.

I believe that God has already provided us with what we need – it’s the gift that we are born with – everyone has it.

I’m not breaking out my hymnal, but it is up to us to recognize it and take hold of the gift within us.

Now for some, they choose to ignore the gift and lead perfectly content lives, grounded in the belief that they have done all they can or that they choose not to go any further.

And that’s fine.

But for others (and I’m guessing that’s you), we realize that the gift does not fully manifest without tribulation. My personal journey looked like:

  • A difficult childhood
  • Unemployment
  • Failed relationships (professional, friendships, and romantic)
  • Financial woes
  • Low self-esteem
  • And difficult pregnancies

I know I am not alone.

I’ve learned that in sharing our stories we gather strength from each other. Although our lives are unique, the underlying resilience of the human condition connects us all.

Who do you think you are?

It took a while for me to understand that question. I realize now that the purpose of this question isn’t asked to evoke a retreat. We are not supposed to cower and shy away. Instead, it is a call to order, it is a way to propel us forward.

Who do you think you are?

The question is asked so that we may find the answer; to use the gift that is already within us.

Copyright © Cece Harbor 2013. All Rights Reserved.

I Surrender All

Posted on by knowledgemaven

I took an unintentional break in April.challenges

I was growing through some challenges, and before I knew it: BOOM, April 28th.

Where did the time go?

During my brief absence, I relearned some important life lessons: some brought laughter and others brought tears, but I know I’m stronger because of them.

I survived my storm. (Psalm 107:29)

I wanted to share 3 of the most indelible ones here:

Lesson #1

Not everyone is going to complete your journey with you.

Have you ever heard these words: “…look to your left, look to your right, because one of you won’t be here by the end of the year.” If you’ve ever participated in a high school or college orientation or even a professional certification course, your speaker has probably offered this wisdom.  This is true and such is life, just because you started a journey with a group of people or set of friends doesn’t mean that they’ll be with you until the end. You lose people along the way, and that’s okay.

Lesson #2

Regret should only be a temporary residence, you cannot dwell there.

I strongly believe that regret is based on a perceived opportunity missed or taken. And while the intended opportunity may have come and gone, every additional minute that you wait or lament on what could have been robs you of the opportunity to enjoy the here and now. Move on. Take advantage of the next minute to live a life free of regret.

Lesson #3

Never think you owe anybody anything or that they owe you.

I use to think that when people did something nice for me, I was in their debt. I forgot what I was taught: freely I give and freely I receive. Anything you do for someone should be given without expectations, and anything someone gives to you should be received in the same way. If you’re blessed enough to have a gift of sorts bestowed upon you, it’s because you really deserved it. Your only requirement is to pay it forward and bless someone else.

So, I’m back with a renewed sense of purpose.

Have you ever had a period in your life that helped to redefine or reconfirm your direction?

What lessons did you learn?

Mother May I?

Posted on by knowledgemaven

Something’s wrong.

Queen B herself, Miranda Priestly. I loved Meryl in this role.

Queen B herself, Miranda Priestly. I loved Meryl in this role.

Something’s terribly amiss here.

With all the progress made on behalf of women’s rights over the past 40 years since Roe v. Wade, and especially in the dawn of the presidential election, it seems lately we’ve taken about 4 steps in the wrong direction.

All the controversy swirling around calling little girls names, changing business practices, and flagrant bouts of elitism from women in corporate America stinks more than a mess of day old collard greens.

Yes, Belle is back and I’m fired up something powerful over here because I’ve been sitting and watching silently, gnashing my teeth to powder over the happenings in the media lately. Women’s rights and images in the media are under attack again and this time it’s not the republi-crats or anti-feminist talking heads taking the cheap shots.

One baby step backwards: Let me tell you something, anybody calling my little girl names will have to answer to me. The Onion calling Quvenzhané Wallis out her name last month during the Oscars was disgusting. She’s a kid. And get this: sometimes kids behave like (well) children. God forbid if she was called a slut then her story may have actually received ongoing national attention. It could have even sparked a movement, The “C” Walk. Who’s with me?

Three giant step backwards: Professionally accomplished women being vilified in the media for business and personal decisions. Marissa Mayer trying to make Yahoo! relevant again since (umm) well since the turn of the century. Canceling telework has made her unpopular among people who don’t even hold Yahoo! working credentials. Ouch. But get this: as CEO she’s responsible for doing whatever it takes to make her publicly traded company successful. Even if she has chosen to make unpopular, polarizing, culture-shifting decisions that could have far reaching implications beyond the confines of the Yahoo! camp. I don’t want to see Marissa fail. I want her to be more conscientious of the decisions she makes. Those rungs on the ladder to her success weren’t placed there by accident. She has this role for a purpose. (Tweet that!)

Stand in Place: I just picked up Sheryl Sandberg’s book, “Lean In” – I’ve heard varying opinions about the book from “she takes the movement back 20 years” to “it’s the best thing ever” to “it’s self-serving and pointless” and so I decided to just read it myself to form my own opinion. If you’ve read it, let me know what you think.

Truth is women’s rights benefit everyone and feminism is not a monolithic point of view. It’s hard enough to be an ambitious person, let alone a woman, or woman of color or even a little girl of color.

Remember the childhood game Mother May I? The object of the game was to convince the mother to allow you to take enough strides so that YOU then become the mother and can call the shots. This is what we are facing today (I could be reaching here but what the hell…). But instead of requests, let’s consider them components of a manifesto to further define who we are. I’ll start:

Mother may I:

  • decide what’s best for my body
  • work and receive equal work for equal pay
  • lead major corporations and not lose my soul (or make it impossible for other women who may not have access to the same resources as I do to succeed)in the process
  • be strong and confident in my own skin and not be vilified for it
  • be strong and confident in my own skin and not punish those women who aren’t

What would you add to this list?

Serenity Now, A Duet

Posted on by knowledgemaven

God grant me the serenity serenityprayer

There are moments in life that will often test your resolve

to accept the things I cannot change;

Coming out of thin air, anything can be placed at your feet

courage to change the things I can;

You have a choice, however,

and wisdom to know the difference.

To either step across it or try to maneuver around it

Living one day at a time;

Possibly stumbling or falling to your knees.

Enjoying one moment at a time;

If you manage to avoid the trying moment, consider yourself lucky

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

But if you’re like most of us and you find that you stumble or fall to your knees

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

While you’re there, remember who is in control

as it is, not as I would have it;

It is not you

Trusting that He will make all things right

It is not the situation

if I surrender to His Will;

It is our Father in Heaven

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

And He wants us to remember that…. always

and supremely happy with Him

It is in these moments, where weakness becomes our greatest attribute

Forever in the next.

Because we must learn to surrender to His will and not our own.

Amen.

Amen.

Please note the text in blue, “The Serenity Prayer” dates back to 1936 to a theologian named Reinhold Niebuhr.

The Losers

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“We must all suffer from one or two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.” – Jim Rohn

“Things aren’t falling into place as quickly as I’d like,” she said shifting in her chair.  “You understand don’t you?”predict

“Of course,” I responded dryly.

“You sound like you don’t believe me.”

I didn’t believe her.  

Truth?

We’ve been having the same conversation repeatedly for the past 3 years, and it always ended the same way:

“I’m not ready.”

 “I need this before I could do that.”

 “They’re making it hard for me.”

“I can’t do it right now.”

It’s so easy to blame outside stuff for inside turmoil.  (Tweet that!)

Doing nothing and then talking about why you aren’t doing it may feel productive, but it’s the equivalent of running in place and expecting to cross the finish line in a marathon.  

It’s not going to happen.

More truth?

I empathize with my friend because I’m guilty too.

I’ve got lots projects and ideas incubating but I know until I muster the courage to give birth to them, they’ll go nowhere.

…and we will have the same conversation for the NEXT 3 years.

This day, however, we decided to have an honest talk and call each other out on our respective pregnancies   ideas. 

The lesson?

To move forward in life, you can sit and talk about your dreams and goals with the illusion that you have all the time in the world or you’re going to have to lose something to get to the next level.

Losing is a powerful teacher.

To get what want, you need to lose few things: fear, guilt, shame, and doubt.  

And in doing so, you’ll make room for all the wonderfulness that is waiting to be part of your life.

Start right now.

What do you need to lose in order to gain?

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Something Within

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves.” – Harriet Tubmanblack-ladies

“I’ve got the perfect place for lunch today,” my editor beamed.

The lines on his bearded face deepened with excitement. Standing up from his desk, he stared out of the large window that surrounded the newsroom and stretched his long limbs with anticipation. In sight was a picturesque view of the harbor, a few sail boats were moving inland.

It was lunchtime in my small town; I was an intern reporter at the local paper. Around noon, the downtown streets were flooded with locals taking advantage of the neighborhood eateries.

“Surely you’ve eaten there before, Cece?” he asked with the sweetest southern drawl.

“No sir, can’t say that I have.”

It was my first week on the job, and as a way to welcome me to the team, my boss offered to take me to lunch at a well known café on Main Street.*

I’ve been in that town all my life, and I’ve never once eaten downtown, nor had the inclination to do so.  Actually, at that point in my life, I couldn’t recall if I ever saw anyone that looked like me eat at a downtown restaurant. As a child, I would accompany my mother to Main Street to pay a few bills and shop — but never eat.

The mere thought frightened me.

Was this how my great grandmother and grandmother felt under the unforgiving sun of the Jim Crow south?

Was this how the Jena 6 felt when they saw the noose hung from the tree?

Was this how Recy Taylor felt when she was kidnapped by her rapists?

“Well, you’re going to love it,” he assured me. “They have the best fried chicken salad, ever.”

We gathered our belongings and headed out the door; me, however, with anxiety and fear in tow.

With each step, I felt even more nauseous.

Was I really going to eat there?

When I was a teenager, the only African-Americans I saw entering restaurants were going in through the backdoor as hired help, not as customers.  

Not to say that we didn’t. I personally never saw any. So I had no point of reference. I didn’t know what to expect.

We entered the building.

“There’s such-and-so, he’s a judge, and over there is such-and-so, she’s a lawyer,” my boss said in a hushed tone.

I saw them but what piqued my interest was the well dressed African-American man surrounded by colleagues at a table in the center of the room.

“Who’s that?” I spoke softly, tilting my head in the gentlemen’s direction.

My boss chuckled quietly because he understood why I asked the question.

“That’s such-and-so, he’s a city councilman.

As we ordered and awaited our food, the councilman and his party stood to exit the room. My boss waved slightly which prompted them to stop by our table. They exchanged pleasantries.

“…and allow me to introduce you to, Cece Harbor, our newest reporter,” he continued. I shook hands with about six people. The councilman squeezed my hand a little.

I felt my anxiety slowly disappear.

I looked around the restaurant and saw that we had a small captive audience, including a few from the kitchen staff peering around the corner. I nodded at them in respect.

As we ate our lunches, I kept going over and over in my mind that day the cause for such fear. The truth is I was taught, consciously and subconsciously that there was a limit to what freedoms I should enjoy; not that I wasn’t deserving… but limits, no less.

Sadly there are those of us that still carry certain shackles in our minds…and so we choose to stay within the confines of the familiar. And then there are those of us who in spite of fear, anxiety and uncertainty still march forward no matter how hard the walk, no matter what the cost because we believe that we know that there’s something more…and that we do deserve better.

Isn’t that how change begins?

Oh and you know what? – My editor was right, the chicken salad was delicious.

*Name changed

Jagged Little Pill

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“I protect myself by refusing to know myself.” – Floriano Martins

Purpose finding is hard work.

Not like rolling-up-your-sleeves-and-digging-a-ditch hard work (I’ve never actually done that before) it’s more like mental-anguish-which-hopefully-leads-to-awareness-of-what-I-really-want hard work.truthordenial

Over the past week, I’ve read so many resolutions that I’ve concluded they are primarily about the ability to initiate and sustain the mental effort required to meet our personal goals.

But when does a well-intentioned resolution (or goal or change) appear to span the scale of coping mechanisms? I’ve heard countless resolutions from family, friends and associates — some have decided not to make resolutions, but the others were well-meaning in their decisions and I fully believe that they will be met . . . but some (a few), spanned from delusional to denial to downright blatant lies.

Don’t worry I won’t throw stones; I live in a glass house too. And I’m pretty sure that I have quite a few things sitting on both ends of the spectrum.

But I’m fascinated.

And frustrated.

In my professional life, to help clients get to the root of why something has to be created we often ask one question repeatedly: why.

And more times than none, they realize one or two things: either it’s something that they unquestionably should pursue because of the apparent business value or it was being done in response to a perceived threat to their market share and/or bottom-line.

I think the same principle can be applied here.

If there is a goal, ask yourself why that goal is so crucial.

And then ask yourself again.

And again.

And more times than none you’ll realize one or two things: either it’s something that you genuinely want to do (and if this is the case, then figure out a way to sustain the interest to get it done) or it’s something that sounds like the right thing to say.

And that’s okay too.

Purpose finding is hard work.

Not impossible work.

Informed empowerment and fulfillment come with practice. Resolutions are synonymous with hope.

If your intensions are good, and you seek something with your whole heart focusing on the feeling and not the destination, the rest will follow.

Did the resolutions or goals you made for yourself this year come from a place of truth or denial?

Planning for Perfect

Posted on by knowledgemaven

perfection

So when are you going back to fitness boot camp?” my husband asked.

I pretend not to hear him.

“I know you heard me,” he said.

We laughed.

The fitness boot camp I attended met three times a week from the crack of dawn until we couldn’t physically move anymore. I’ve been hitting it hard for about a year, but recently I’ve had more aches and pains than successes. I felt like I needed a break, so I took one.

An extended break.

“I’ll go back after Christmas,” I answered trying to busy myself in the room.

“Last month you said you’ll go back after Thanksgiving.”

“Did I?”

Denial.

“Um…yea you did.”

“Well, when the holidays are over I can focus more on myself,” I felt the lie roll off my tongue and over my lips. “Besides I still walk, it’s not like I’m a total slacker.”

More denial.

“There won’t ever be a perfect moment, babe,” he warned and left the room.

He was right. I was using the holidays (obviously) as an excuse to avoid working out. I told myself that I was burnout on boot camp and that maybe I needed a change of pace. The problem is that the pace I chose was non-existent and I’m not working out anymore.

But I wonder how many times have we sold ourselves on this perfect state in other areas of our lives. You may have done it before:

“I’ll do __[blank]__ as soon as I __[blank]__.”

Translation:

“I’ll do [something that I really should be doing for myself] as soon as I [do something that has absolutely nothing to do with what I need to get done].”

Denial, table for two?

So what is it about finding the perfect moment that stops us cold in our tracks? It’s only fair that we ask ourselves if finding the perfect opportunity is genuinely looking for the best option or is it procrastination.

I was a chronic procrastinator . . . it took 10 years for me to wake up and realize how I was hurting myself.  After a lot of work I was able to identify what caused my procrastination:

I was afraid of failure.

I was afraid of what people would think of me.

I didn’t think I could do it.

I was afraid of being rejected.

What are you denying yourself because you’re waiting for the perfect moment?

I don’t think perfection is something that we can seek outside of ourselves. If we are whole and perfectly made just as we are, then it’s always the perfect moment.

As human beings, being in this moment right now is the perfect time.

After giving some thought to the aversion to boot camp it wasn’t about the pain, it was about taking on a fitness regime I could do for the rest of my life. I realized that I need to mix things up – who knows maybe I’ll try kick-boxing – it may add to my perfection.

If you enjoyed this post please share with your friends! Thanks, as always, for the support. — Cece

Here, There, Everywhere

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“I’m just not where I want to be,” there was a hint of frustration in her voice. “I really expected to be much further along in my career.”herethere

I was having morning coffee with a friend.

“Where did you think you’d be?” I’m always fascinated when I hear anyone say this because I visit there often; I take stock of where I am in life and wonder if there’s something more I could be doing.

“Not here,” she retorted, staring at the table. “I’ve come a long way, but I know there’s something more for me…there just is.” She thoughtfully traced the rim of her mug with her finger tip.

We sat comfortably in silence for a few minutes. 

“Where is here?” I asked leaning forward not actually expecting an answer; I wasn’t sure how she saw her present situation.

“Here is…” her voice trailed. “Here is…I don’t know where here is.” She chuckled quietly.

“So how do know where you want to be if you don’t know where you are?”

Shrugging her shoulders, she relented to the question and chuckled again like I guessed her secret.

“I walked right into that one.”

“Yea, you kinda did.

We laughed.

“Let’s start over,” I raised my hands in a gesture to suggest we take a pause. “Let’s talk about what’s really frustrating you.”  

My friend described her desire to move up the corporate ladder in her company but wasn’t sure how to create an opportunity. As she continued to talk, it reminded me of conversations I’ve had with other friends about the same topic. I call it the journey; others might call it the what-am-I-doing-with-my-life talk.

It’s perfectly normal to think about where you are and where you want to be, but not too many of us dwell on what it takes to get there.  

Have you ever been passionate about obtaining a dream but to make it a reality requires just one step forward– one seemingly simple act of faith and it’s yours?

But you’re too afraid to move forward.

Or you just don’t know how to get there.

And you know that going back is not an option.

I’m learning that usually there are only a few obstacles that stand in our way: fear, guilt, doubt, and shame. And once we openly and honestly acknowledge those feelings, then and only then are we able to move forward.

You acknowledge its presence; these feelings do not go away.

I’ll let you know if they ever do.

They in turn go along for the ride… but in my experience if I’m driving, I focus on enjoying the journey, and I use those feelings as motivators and not allow them to detract me.  

My friend realized that she did want to climb the corporate ladder but not their ladder; it was leaning against the wrong building.

Imagine that, she knew where here was all along.

The Giving Circle

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“Love thy neighbor yes, but love thyself first” — Solange Nicole

Beautiful artwork by Stacey Hoffer Weckstein

“That’s wonderful, I’m so proud of you,” I said bursting with pride. One of my friends called to share something extraordinary with me. She took the first step toward a dream she’s had for quite some time.

I instantly felt full and relieved; I honestly believe that her success was my success.

As she went on to provide details, I wiped congratulatory tears from my eyes and listened intently relishing the sound of her voice. What she was doing was impressive but I think I loved hearing her explain it more than the actual thing itself.

She was happy.

I think we all have moments like this, when we are genuinely happy for other people. And I’ve learned over the years how critically important it is to surround myself with people who believe in me – even when I don’t believe in myself.

Every now and again, though, we need to turn the mirror of veracity on ourselves and provide the same love and support that we provide to others to ourselves. For me, the truth is that I often found it easier to have enough faith for everyone else.

“Nothing is impossible for you.”

“I know you can do it.”

“It’s already done.”

These words flow freely and in earnest to the people that I love because fundamentally I do believe they can do anything.

Sometimes I don’t quite give myself the same courtesy.

I’m thankful that I’m seeing things a bit differently now. I realize that the best love I can provide to my friends is to love myself first. Authentically doing/living/being my best self and showing myself grace and mercy begins the circle of gratitude that surrounds us all.

Thanks and Giving

Posted on by knowledgemaven

Katherine over at The Intrinsic Writer blog just bestowed upon me “The Illuminating Blogger” award – talk about a great way to kick off November. Be sure to visit her blog and definitely check out her, “Old School Sundays” posts – she reminds us of our great literary history. Thank you, Katherine!

The requirements for “The Illuminating Blogger” award are that I:

  1. Visit the award site, leave a comment, tell everyone who nominated you, and thank the blogger, including a link back to their site.
  2. Share a random thing about myself.
  3. Select 5 or more nominees and notify them that they’ve won the award.
  4. Put the award on your blog somewhere.

So here’s something not so random…since it’s the season of thanks and giving (my favorite time of year), I wanted to tell you all that I’m grateful that you’re taking this journey with me. I created this blog as a way to add my voice to the chorus of stories that are being published every second on the web that may or may not speak to my life experiences and beliefs. I’ve learned that when you tell your truth, share your experiences, in a sincere and honest way, genuine people always gravitate towards you. I’m grateful.

The six nominees are:

Damn Right I’m a Feminist – Reading her entries get me fired up! I love them.

Susie Gutierrez – Absolutely love her, she’s honest and she says what she means.

From Jesus’ Lips To My Ear – I enjoy reading her posts. She’s an absolute riot at times but sincere always.

Bridgetstraub – Wonderful writer, please check out “Searching For My Wand” on Amazon.

Breathe Deeply – This blog is inspirational. I look forward to getting the alerts in my inbox (can’t say that about many things these days).

Abrielle Valencia – I. Love. This. Blog. She’s gives it to you straight and says out loud the things that you would want to say but don’t.

Congrats to everyone nominated.


God Bless.

Cece

Political Voodoo, Ouija Boards and other Hooey

Posted on by knowledgemaven

I’m southern.

I’m a sweet-tea-drinking. . .

Black-eyed-peas-and-cornbread-banana-pudding-eating. . .

Sunday-Bible-toting-unapologetically sassy-sarcastic-back-talking-southerner.

And in being a southern lady, there are some things we Belles keep to ourselves and then there are other things that we just have to get off our chest.

You see, everything old in politics is new again. Because we are in the home stretch for the presidential election, they’re pulling out the big guns – between you and me, it’s nothing that we’ve never seen before.

As we’ve listened to the candidates and heard rumblings from their respective political parties, it’s important that we remain focused on what the real issues are: women’s rights, immigration, and the economy. Do not be fooled by the political Voodoo (i.e., Jedi Mind Trick) that’s being played out in mainstream media that would like us to focus on sound bites, inflated statistics and this pervasive xenophobia mindset that is as long and wide and deep as the Mississippi River.

I do declare.

Political voodoo is being used more than you could imagine but like my grandmother would always say, “Jes cuz y’ put ya boot in da oven, don’t make ‘em biscuits.”

Translation: just because you say it’s so don’t mean it’s true; it doesn’t change what it is.

Here are a few examples:

Political Voodoo: Making you believe that you’re paying or funding welfare for (an implied) race of folks to sit on their behinds and that they don’t work.

Belle backtalk: Honey, get over yourself, this is called delusional entitlement. Most of the people shouting this don’t make a whole lot of money and will probably never even see a six-figure salary in their lifetime, let alone be part of the 1%. Ultimately, the designation of hard working Americans does not belong to one group or race. The economic class of being a poor American does not belong to one group or race of people.

Political Voodoo: Making numerous egregious comments (e.g., racist, sexist, homophobic) and then making a half-assed attempt to “apolo-lie” err apologize later.

Belle backtalk: Did I hear something about sending somebody back to Kenya? What tha devil?! Let me tell you something: people say what they mean. If they said it the first time, they meant it.

Political Voodoo: Claiming that your freedom is in jeopardy.

Belle backtalk: Child pah-lease, the only freedom in jeopardy in this country is immigrant freedom. Period. Thank-you-very-much. Next question.

Political Voodoo: Desperately appealing to women’s sensibilities without considering the whole woman. Sending messages that women should not be allowed to vote (not making this up); or that we should focus on issues that impact women above the waist (not making that up either).

Belle backtalk: Ain’t nobody sticking me in a binder for consideration of a job solely because I’m a well-educated, highly experienced, award winning professional African American woman. Which leads me to question, if I got the job will you pay me equally? Or will I get 77 cents on the dollar?

And quite honestly when I walk into a room I bring my v-jay-jay. And when I vote in November, my v-jay-jay will be in the booth with me.

The only way to break the voodoo spell is to arm yourself with knowledge. Leave racial and gender hatred behind, we have to if we want to survive. This is not the time to sell your soul for money (money that you may have or money that you think you should have because of how you look).

Business is all about profit. If we put business in the White House there will be a focus on the profit and not the people. Use your vote to make a difference.
For Sale: Un-used Ouija Board and Voodoo Doll.

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Redemption Song

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“You did what?” Quinton asked in disbelief. “I’m a little confused, what does deleting his number do?”

“It severs one line of communication,” I replied matter-of-factly.

I reconnected with my biological father about a year ago and decided recently that it’s probably best that we go our separate ways. My husband knows that I’m notorious for self-protecting and that I believe cutting all lines of communication is most effective in such matters.

Don’t judge me.

Honestly, I felt like a walking contradiction. In one breath I was growing through the process of forgiving him (because he asked for it) and then in another breath I realized that I haven’t forgiven myself for being so hard on me about my emotions when it comes to him.  I thought healing was happening but it was really denial – for us both.

Why is it so easy to forgive other people but not yourself?

“I know me,” I responded confidently to my husband. “…seeing his number in my phone will only tempt me to call and I’m done feeling rejected.”

Truth is I deleted his number on an impulse and yes, I found that I was the one doing all of the outreach. It was disappointing. The last few times that we did speak, the conversation felt forced like I was an imposition. I think I’ve always experienced this when it came to him.

Maybe if I called more often, sent pictures of the kids, put cards in the mail. . . . he’d love me. I was trying to think as an adult but really behaving like the 4 year-old version of myself that felt abandoned by him. I was changing myself for him, again.

I didn’t like it.

There was no forgiveness there. Who was I fooling?!  But I sang that song of denial proudly, “Yes, I now have a relationship with my father.” I even had the nerve to sit boldly and wait for phone calls that seldom came, all the while refusing to articulate my feelings or expectations, trying desperately to endear myself to him.

Lies.

I had a breakthrough last week (convenient, right?!) but it’s true. I experienced a movement that has caused a significant shift in my thinking and now I’m no longer seeing this situation as the 4 year-old Cece who believes she was a victim of her circumstance.

I needed to reclaim my power.  I needed to show myself a little more compassion. I needed a new song to sing.

By waiting on him to call, to respond and show up in my life the way I thought he should was 4 year-old Cece’s expectation. . . . I gave my power away.

Truth.

I’m not saying that I’m completely done. I’m in a different place now ( I hold no ill feelings) and I have perspective, that’s a powerful thing. It was a failed relationship. It happens. I can’t get what the other person does not have or is not willing to give…. and I’m okay with that.

There’s no need to self-protect anymore because I’ve got my own back  (always have) and I’m singing a new song of redemption. This time the forgiveness is for me.

Remember the Journey

Posted on by knowledgemaven

What is it about the prospect of something new that excites us? We often start one project or venture in our lives and then soon thereafter we’re off to another, leaving the one before us unfinished.

Or is it just me? Ahem.

I had to take a hard look at myself recently. I had so many irons in the fire, I could pass for a professional blacksmith.

Just kidding.

But seriously, I was doing way too much, at the same time, for some of the wrong reasons.

And I’m not talking about vanity or prestige, nothing like that.

I’m talking about for the sake of having something creative to do. I find that when one aspect of my life is not going as well as I hope, I compensate. And it usually looks like me starting a new project.

Did I just shrink myself?

I also realized that I tend to see some projects through and not others because I’m afraid of what the end result will be.

I’m still learning that it’s okay to fail. I’m not perfect.

I know – I know, please don’t tell anyone.

I have to learn how to give up the notion that everything I do has to be perfect.

But what I know for sure is that I can start again.

You can start again, too. If it’s something that you really want to do, genuinely accomplish, celebrate what you’ve done so far and pick up where you left off. Or better still give yourself a “tabula rasa” – a clean slate—and start new today.  

And in starting new today, remember to enjoy the journey, the process of doing what you do is more important than the end result. Every brush stroke of repainting that kitchen, every step toward losing that weight, every draft of that unfinished chapter, or pulling those all nighters to get that degree, enjoy it. That’s when you are your authentic self.

Cherish The ‘Do Over’

Posted on by knowledgemaven

The screech from the alarm woke me instantly. My body was awake but my mind numb. Instinctively, I slapped the top of the little black box hoping to strike the snooze button, silencing the wretched little thing.

It worked.

Exhaling deeply, I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling.

Another day.

A zillion thoughts ran through my mind, my to-do list was suddenly turned back on. If you could see it, imagine an obnoxiously bright sign with flashing neon lights.

Open.

Just the mention of my to-do list reminds me of a country kitchen in an old gas station – I get heartburn just looking at it.

Was this the tone by which I wanted to start my day?

Bed time was no different. Some days, I literally crawl into bed fully clothed thinking that I’d close my eyes for a few minutes only to be awakened by the screech from the little black box, again.

My days were starting to blur. When that happens, I lose focus and am caught up in the rapid change and tempo of things around me. My body and mind goes along for the ride – after all I have things to do. But my Spirit, well, this time, she dug her heels in the sand and said, “No more. Slow down, sister.”

So I had this notion, I’m not sure if I read it somewhere or if it was Divine intervention. The idea was to record my first and last thoughts of the day for a week, seven consecutive days. No matter how hurried or compressed my time became, I had to either physically write it down or make a mental note but I had to record the thoughts to memory.

The results were staggering.

I dreaded waking up. I dreaded going to sleep. I lived for my to-do list and what I could do for others, and the only thought that I devoted to myself was, “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

And tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow.

Go for that run.

Meh, I’ll do it tomorrow.

Sit and write that chapter.

Hmm. I’d better get this laundry done.  

A pattern emerged quickly and I couldn’t deny it. It was right there in black and white.

I’ve always known that every morning that little black box screeches is the universe’s way of giving me another chance. I get a do over. The difference now is that I openly acknowledge it.

Some people aren’t so lucky. They didn’t get a do over today.

Every day is a gift. Cherish it.

Waiting for God

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“…But,” I interrupted. “…it also means that there’s work for you to do as well…” I stared at the phone in disbelief.

I often find myself find myself in the most interesting conversations. It’s a blessing really. Whether through friends, associates or complete strangers, life consistently presents opportunities for me to embrace life lessons – either through my mistakes or another’s shared experience.

“I’m just going to pray and wait on the Lord,” the voice on the other end said with conviction.

How many times have you heard this? We send a few lines up to Heaven and wait for the result. Meanwhile there’s a lot of negotiating along the way.

The prayer goes from asking, “Oh Lord please help me to [blah blah blah]. . .”

to bargaining, “Okay God, if you do this, I promise to never [blah blah blah] again…”

to downright pleading, “Gawd pah-lease. . .”

this is usually followed by a stream of tears and maybe a few hymnal selections.

Sometimes we convince ourselves to wait for the right opportunity instead of the taking the opportunity right before us. And while waiting for the supposed right opportunity, we pay guilt-ridden penances along the way which leads us to believe that we have to ask, beg or plead to get what we want out of life.

I don’t think the universe in all its infinite possibilities work that way.

Because we are perfectly whole and divine beings, we are not making requests to complete us. Because we are perfectly whole and divine beings, there is nothing to ask for . . . rather we should affirm.

I believe that prayer, my friends, is an affirmation, standing, kneeling or bowing our heads, or any combination thereof. Prayer is something sacred that we use to declare with our whole hearts, knowing that provisions have already been made, it’s just a matter of us doing what’s necessary to ensure it happens.

And if you chose to believe otherwise, then that’s fine . . .but consider this: while you’re waiting for God to deliver a miracle, ever thought that maybe God is waiting for you and that YOU are the miracle?

Somebody’s Fa-bu-lous!

Posted on by knowledgemaven

Guess what?! – Apparently I’m fabulous. No I’m not being vain (you know me better than that). I was awarded The Fabulous Blog Ribbon from Katie over at The Intrinsic Writer blog. How wonderful is that?!

Okay, I’ll stop with the questions.

So the award comes with some rules, I have to:

  1. Thank the blogger who gave it to me and share the link back to the awarding blog.
  2. Name 5 fabulous moments in my life.
  3. Name 5 things that I love.
  4. Name 5 things that I hate.
  5. Pass the award to 5 deserving bloggers.

Be sure to read Katie’s blog, especially if you’re an aspiring writer, you’ll like her blog. She writes about writing, which I honestly think is a genre unto itself. I like the way she skillfully crafts her posts, I always leave with something after reading The Intrinsic Writer blog.

5 Fabulous Moments? – One, two and three…the birth of my 3 children (yeah yeah cliché but true). I never knew how incredible women were until I gave birth. Four…when my step-son became a part of my life and five…when I married my best friend.

5 Things That I love?

1. Good Friends.

2. When I occasionally succumb to my vices, it reminds me that I’m human.

3. People that can laugh at themselves.

4. Second chances.

5. Aha Moments.

5 Things That I hate? – Hate’s such a strong word …but…and in no particular order…I hate it when:

1. …Women that say they are not a feminist. If you believe that women should have a say in their own healthcare, have equal pay for equal work, believe that no woman ‘had it coming to her’, believe that women shouldn’t be slighted because of her gender, race or socioeconomic status – then you’re a feminist. Sorry to break it to you.

2. …Injustice goes unpunished.

3. …Media and marketers try to use gimmicks, lies or shenanigan to sell products.

4. …trashy reality TV shows influence popular culture. Some are really well done and motivational but the majority of these shows film people at their worst and weave those moments together to present an unflattering version television truth.

5. …Entitlement. Get over yourself already, no one owes you damn thing.

5 Bloggers You Should Visit Today!

Abrielle Valencia! She’s smart, funny, and thoughtful. I read her blog often.

Memory Bears by Bonnie! Bonnie is so sincere in her writing. She suffered a horrible loss and each entry (I think) is powerful because she seems stronger with each one.

Adriana Ryan! Okay this woman is fearless. Literally! She writes supernatural fiction.

My Body the City: The Secret Life of a Callgirl! Stella is amazing. She was domestically trafficked in New York for 10 years!

The Many Shades of Love! Amy’s name says it all. Amy Wise. She’s an incredibly gifted writer. Oh and bonus– she just published a book, it’s on Amazon.

Congratulations and enjoy!

Unlearning Fear and Foolishness

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“I constantly live in fear,” she said squinting her almond shaped eyes as she smiled nervously. “But that’s just me, I guess.”

Image originated from The Skit Guys.

I was talking with a friend, and she was crossed between a mother’s lament in protecting her child from unforeseen dangers and her inability to take chances with her own life. I’m not talking about bucket list chances (skydiving, bungee jumping or cliff diving), I’m talking about honest to goodness fear of doing something unassuming, like swimming.

“I never learned to swim. . . ,” there was a small tremor in her voice. “. . . and the thought of my baby in a pool. . . ,  ”she continued shaking her head.

What could I say, I couldn’t swim either.

Her gaze turned downward and lingered as if to seek an answer. Suddenly, her eyes widened like she remembered something. A muffled sound escaped her mouth and then a small puff of air.“I shouldn’t place MY fears on my daughter,  right?. . . ,” she smiled looking at me.

Right.

And then I thought about my life, I cannot begin to tell you about the dozens of inherited fears I have. These are burdens that I’ve carried around for years that were never actually mine. They were part superstition, part sound advice, and part just downright foolishness.

It’s more than not stepping on a sidewalk crack, breaking mirrors or splitting trees.  As kids we were taught to enter and leave the house through the same doors, to not sweep in front of our houses after dark,  and to not play with our shadows. 

I didn’t question, I just obeyed. Those fears and beliefs became my fears and beliefs.

Because of this inherited mindset, I try to be mindful of how I interact with my children, family and friends, not limiting their aspirations to my own insecurities or lack of understanding.

I decided that playing with my shadow is a good thing, hell, they even wrote a song about it. I come and go as I please in and out my house, and I honestly don’t have a reason to sweep outside after dark.

But I won’t test fate, I refuse to step on a sidewalk crack.

Think about your own life. What are some of your fears? Are they truly yours?

Having It All and Giving It Back

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“…we need you to work more hours until we get this project back on track,” my then project manager said coolly. His eyes said nothing. I tried reading his body language; aside from a short flip of his hair his remarks were pretty candid and dismissive all at once.

I, on the other hand, was not so contained. I sat across from him in his small office with little beads of sweat accumulating on my forehead and a baby bump on my lap – I was 6 months pregnant.

Can Women Really Have It All?

“I’m already putting in almost 50 hours, Todd,” I was exhausted.

“The system requirements are done and short of developing the application myself, there really isn’t much else I can do until we’re ready to test.”

He knew I was right; there wasn’t physically anything else the management staff could do. He wanted me to babysit the client. I thought that decision was a poor project move – all we had to do was deliver on time. Truth is those long work days were emotionally and physically taxing for the entire team. In my mind, I didn’t see what I personally needed to do necessitated longer hours in the office.  I could surely log in from home and respond to email from there, right?

Wrong! Todd was fixated on face time in the office.

“No we need you here, we’re thinking 12-hour shifts for everyone until the development work is done,” he responded.

Seriously, dude?

I thought about how much I’ve already sacrificed for the company, neglecting my health, neglecting my family and neglecting my career on this and other poorly ran projects.

“No, that won’t work for me,” I said as evenly as I could. “I-I have a family Todd and….”

Did I just say that?

“Aren’t you married?” he snapped. He seemed offended.

“Yes.”

“Couldn’t your husband, step up at home until the project is . . . . ”

I remember distinctively how I felt at that moment. I was anxious, afraid and angry all at the same time. I saw his lips move but I couldn’t hear a word. All I kept thinking was: what would I say next . . . .

This is an excert from my personal memoir in progress. Tell me what you think! Have you faced a similar sitaution? Sound off below. Oh! and if you really liked this post be sure to tell me and join me on Facebook!

You’re A Mean One

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise, noise. There’s one thing I hate, all the noise, noise, noise, noise!” – The Grinch, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, 1966

I walked into a popular bookstore this week to peruse the magazines and while I usually hang out in various sections, I instinctually browsed “Women’s Interest.”

I don’t know why, I think I’m conditioned to do so.

I subscribe to the magazines that I really like to read but I often look out for new publications that may pique my curiosity. This day, and not to my surprise, I was annoyed by the bombardment of self-hating messages displayed on the covers. I read a blog post from a fellow blogger earlier this week so I may be a bit hypersensitive to media message – bear with me.

There, in the women’s interest section, by and large, were cover stories that told us how to become the ideal woman and in no short order how we can fix ourselves.

Nip this. Tuck that. Eat this. Lose that. What he really thinks. What you should be thinking.  

Conditioning makes you stop and look. Uncertainty tells you to pick it up. Self-doubt makes you buy it. 

So if I may take a page from the Grinch, this thing called life is not about:

  • who can yell the loudest (most reality TV shows are temper tantrums with commercial breaks);
  • who has the shiniest toys (material wealth, there will be a new version of anything in your pocket or purse next year);
  • who’s the prettiest (nobody really cares who’s the sexist person on the planet – seriously);
  • who’s the skinniest (sure, I think the average mom could drop 40 pounds after giving birth if she had a team of fitness experts behind her too – and I’m pretty sure multi-million dollar endorsement deal helps);
  • the most popular (fleeting fame – 15 minutes expired for many so-called celebs but they’re like the cockroaches of TV, they just won’t die);
  • or the richest (in the words of Paul Mooney, “you’ll never see a Brinks truck behind a funeral procession” – you can’t take it with you).

It’s all noise. It’s all distractions. It’s a scam to sell you crap that you don’t need. To push the latest fads or worse present an ideal of whom we think we’re supposed to be. So the next time you find yourself staring at racks of magazines, before you pick it up ask yourself: is this really going to enhance my life or is this just a bunch of noise?

You are divinely perfect just as you are.

Silence The Critic And Do Amazing Things

Posted on by knowledgemaven

Who’s your worse critic? I know I am my own.  In the spirit of ”truth telling” from earlier this week, here’s a quote from former President Roosevelt that sums up the notion of the inner and outer critic beautifully:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt – Citizenship in a Republic, Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

Message? — If you never try…never fail…how will you know how great you can be. Silence the inner critic and dare to do amazing things. I know you can.

And here’s  one of my favorite TED talks (ever) by Dr. Brene Brown. This is an incredibly honest look at vulnerability and the human condition. If you have not seen this please take the 18 minutes to watch.

Convenient Lies and Misplaced Truths

Posted on by knowledgemaven

Do you speak truth to yourself and others? Now, before you say yes (because we all tend to go with the affirmative without hesitation) really think about what I’m asking. Do. You. Speak. Truth? Or like the old folks would say where I grew up, do you have a “troot mout” – a truth mouth.

To have a “troot mout” is one of the highest compliments a person could receive. It means that unequivocally when you speak, everyone will hear the most accurate representation of truth telling. It also means that you do not deny yourself of what is actually happening around you — and to you– good, bad or indifferent.

This expression came to mind recently because of my own doing. I could hear the words of my grandmother spoken in my head,“Tell da troot to everyone but ‘specially yur-self, ef nawt y’ fa hut yur own feelins” – Tell the truth to everyone but especially yourself, if not you only hurt your own feelings.

Ever wanted something so badly but there’s an honest gnawing in your gut telling you that it just won’t happen? I think sometimes we find ourselves fighting our intuition in hopes that our optimism would outweigh disappointment. Sadly, when it comes to certain situations in life, the ‘troot mout’ in us just won’t win. And in the end, we’ve not only lied to ourselves, by setting unrealistic expectations, but are left holding a big hot steaming bag of (cough) disappointment.

So, to get to the lesson behind a “troot mout” here’s what we should consider:

Truth #1 – Say exactly what you feel. Get rid of pent up frustration or anger or resentment.

Truth #2 – Be open to feedback. Sometimes people are trying to tell you things that may not be pleasant but if you trust the source, then consider the message.

Truth #3 – Be judicious with flattery. Everyone is not deserving of your praise or your time.

Truth #4 - Set boundaries. Engage on a level that‘s comfortable to you, establishing boundaries is perfectly acceptable.

There are other ‘troot mout’ lessons to be shared, I’m sure. What would you add to this list?

Mama and All That Matters

Posted on by knowledgemaven

An excerpt from my ever-evolving memoir…..

. . . I needed permission. I didn’t typically disturb my mother on her job by habit. I knew that I could only call her for something of great importance and the times I did call, I dialed the number slowly so I could confirm that it was indeed an emergency.

This day I needed a permission slip signed and my coach was waiting. I forgot about it, between studies, extra-curricular activities, and a weekend job, getting her signature on a piece of paper was the least of my worries. Normally, I’d just sign it myself but today instinct told me to go and see her.

As I approached the restaurant, I immediately headed to the rear walking past the front entrance. I took a deep breath, smiled and waved politely to the woman behind the cash register.

She didn’t wave back.

I felt my shoulders sink but I kept walking. Reaching the back of the restaurant, I heard the clanging of pots and plates and the soft murmur of voices. The smell was at odds, in one whiff I caught the aroma of fried shrimp and clams, and in the other I caught rotted food. I took shallow breaths and banged on the screen door.

A full-figured woman approached and waved me in. “How you baby?” she greeted and reached over giving me a bear hug. “Lemme get yo’ mama fo’ you, ‘kay?” Small beads of sweat were at attention on her almond-colored forehead.  She took a rag off her hip to wipe them away.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Eva, yo’ daughter by da back doe’,” she turned and waved one last time. “Gud seein’ you baby.”

“Yes ma’am.”

I caught my mother’s eye.  She furrowed her brows. I knew what she was thinking: what in the hell was I doing there?

“Mama…” I began but before I could finish she walked toward me and with one scoop of my arm we were outside.

“I need this permission slip signed for school,” I said quietly, holding the paper out for her to see.

“This couldn’t wait ‘til I got home?” she snapped, there was an acidic tone in her voice.

“Coach said she needs it by this afternoon,” I pleaded.

“I told you about coming down to my job,” she said between her teeth. She peered over her shoulder at the back door. “Look, I’ll be working a double shift. . . “

Just then we had an audience – it was the woman from behind the cash register, Miss Doreen, her boss.

“Everything alright, Eva?” she said coolly in a slow southern drawl.

In the south we tend to put “Miss” in front of an adult female’s name regardless of age. Believe me, Miss Doreen out grew the title “Miss” about a century ago. Her skin looked coarse from countless hours of unprotected tanning, lipstick was too bright, hair pulled high in a bun, shirt cut way too low, and the pièce de résistance: the biggest gaudiest ring on planet Earth. 

She waved her hand deliberately as if to fan her face – honestly I think she just wanted us to see the god-awful thing.

“Now which one is this?” she spoke dryly pointing her brightly painted nail and that ring-thing in my direction.

“This is Cece, my A-student, Miss Sidity,” mama chuckled.

“Oh! So nice to see you again, Cece. You ‘bout ready fo’ tha summer?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Well if you need a job, I’m sho’ we can find something here for you…”

“Ummm no Miss Doreen,” Mama interrupted her. “Not for Cece.”

We locked eyes.

“Miss Doreen, I’ll be there in a minute,” Mama took me by the hand this time and walked me to the side of the building.

“I’ll be home by 11 tonight; y’all make sandwiches or go to your grandmother’s house.” She starts walking back to the door.

“I need your signature,” I gently reminded her waving the paper.

“Mama” by Chidi Okoye

“You sign it, I don’t care. Now go!” And she disappeared back into the restaurant.

——————————————————————-

I often think about that day behind the restaurant. Being 15 at the time I felt dismissed and hurt. Thinking about it now as a mother, I realize she was trying to protect me. She wanted more for me. I think she knew that if I took an offer to settle in that regard, that I’d keep on settling for the rest of my life. Granted, we didn’t have the best relationship but she loved me in her way.

Truth is, she worked long hours, got little sleep, made little money and neglected herself in the process. I use to wonder if she worked so much to avoid us (there were after all 6 kids in the house); or was it that she knew that if she didn’t get things done, they wouldn’t get done or maybe it was a combination of both.

Today, I’m thankful to my mother and others like her who sacrificed and endured the Miss Doreens and stinky kitchens of the world so we don’t have to. Happy Mother’s Day everyone.

If you enjoyed this post be sure to ‘Like‘ us on Facebook and share this with your friends. Thanks so much.

Life On Purpose

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“I don’t think I’ve found my life’s purpose yet,” she started. “I feel like there’s something more I should be doing.”

There was a pained look on my friend’s face. Her eyes danced around the room as if the answer was somewhere written on the walls.

“I hear you,” I interrupted her thoughts. “I think we all ask that question at times.”

“The great thing…” I said reaching to touch her lightly on the forearm, “…is that we ask the question, that’s the first part of becoming aware.”  

Truth is I’ve heard this before from many different people, spoken in many different ways. It’s an unassuming question that either drives us into the world to find the answer or allows the recluse in us to sit and pontificate.

Why am I here?

I’ve asked this question, time and time again.

What is my life’s purpose?

Depending on who’s in the room when you ask the question, the response could be anything from a religious retort to a spiritual advisement or a sarcastic quip.

What am I suppose to do with my life?

Beautiful work, entitled “Meditation” by B. Rossitto.

I don’t profess to have all the answers or questions. What I do know for sure is that I don’t know a thing, I’m a life student. But what I am learning — because this is a process after all– is that finding our life’s purpose isn’t a physical act.  It is not a search; rather a quiet stillness based upon that question and the intent behind our actions will lead us to find our true and authentic selves.

Finding your life’s purpose, I think starts by asking the question and then allowing yourself to dream up endless possibilities. Have you ever felt the need for something so strong you could actually see it in front of you?  See the book you’ve written on the shelf?  Smell the mountain air from your dream cabin? Hear the laughter of the children in your recreation center?  See improvements in your community with the people you’ve helped with your charity?

I believe that the heart, the metaphorical heart, is a powerful thing. And it’s our heart’s desires (which I believe was put there by something far greater than any of us) will pull us onto our intended paths.

When I do what I love, I’m at peace. When I prod and question and stray from that, I struggle. My connection to ensure that I’m living on purpose is meditation and prayer. There is power in being still and listening to your quiet self.

Finding your life’s purpose is being still long enough to ask the question and then living life on purpose.

Tell me, are you living life on purpose?

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The Power of a Poet’s Pen

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“Please begin,” her voice was stern. I felt like all the air was suddenly sucked out of my body.  In literature class, in middle school we were learning to recite and interpret If by Rudyard Kipling. “Anytime now,” my teacher grew impatient, I took a sharp breath, knowing that I crammed to learn the last stanza the night before. An anxious hush fell on the room, and I in all my 13 year-old confidence began to deliver the poem.

“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you…if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you but make allowance for their doubting too…”

As I continued, the meaning of the poem started to click. I got it. I understood Kipling. I understood his message. At that moment he became one of my personal literary heroes.

I kept going. . .

“If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build’ em up with worn-out tools…”

I still find today that whenever I’m in a pinch or involved in a situation where it’s easy to become overly emotional and react, I remind myself of Kipling’s words and instead listen, understand and then respond.

It ain’t easy. Lord knows it’s not, but I’ve become better at it.

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute, with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, and – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son…”

Every experience, every encounter is an opportunity for me (and you) to grow and learn. In my younger days, I felt the need to be part of everything and wanted to be swept up in the crowd to find a place to belong. Over the years as I started putting up healthy barriers, I’ve planted my feet firmly and I’m able to look at those same situations differently.

I laugh at times, “What was I thinking?”

I’m sad at times, “What was I thinking?”

I’m angry at times, “What was I thinking?”

I’m sometimes astonished and other times confused all while uttering those words, but through it all, I was thinking. I was learning. I was growing. I evolved. This was part of Kipling’s message to his son. You have to be a thinking individual. You have to be a life-long learner…this contributes to your life as a growing individual. If you know who you are, if you know where you want to stand in life and choose to show up in that way, no one can doubt you. No one.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, poetry has an extraordinary way of feeding the soul.

Did you know that April is National Poetry Month? Who inspired you with their poetry? Tell me about them?

The F Word (Again)

Posted on by knowledgemaven

Pic of bomb with the letter FBrace yourself, because I’m dropping the “F” word again.  

 I’m amazed at the types of stories that continue to make national news. There’s a war apparently waging on American soil and it has been deemed the War on Women. It’s funny how all of the issues that women have been lobbying for decades are now suddenly part of a political strategy for election.  

 A very obvious strategy I might add.

What’s even funnier (and I’m so not laughing . . . well maybe a little sarcastic laugh) are the so-called sympathizers who on any other day, in any other year would not give a second thought to any of the women issues that are on the table for discussion today.

Not. A. Second. Thought.

So what’s at stake here, two political careers? One, where the journey in obtaining the coveted presidential seat was initially a long-shot and in the end defied the odds and started with a platform of fundamental change in how we run this country. Or the other, who apparently has been reared to expect the presidency and has a skillfully orchestrated political career that would, by his standards, culminate in a standing ovation as he sits in the Oval Office.

Nice try but umm no.

What’s at stake here is what has always been at stake. This isn’t new. We’ve talked this talk, fought this fight and supported and rallied for generations because we believe that women, regardless of socio-economic status, regardless of race or religion should have fundamental rights.

As women of this country, we –me, you, our sisters, mothers, daughters, nieces– deserve equal pay for equal work. We deserve to feel safe and have the laws of this country protect us from violent crimes. We deserve full and open access to healthcare, period point blank . . .end of discussion.

Sadly any type of political indifference or misstep is positioned as a tactic in this war.

Us  vs.Them

The political Jedi mind trick (campaigning) has begun and will employ the “I’m-going-to-tell-you-whatever-you-need-to-hear-so-you’ll-vote-for-me” tactic.  Or, the “See, I’m just like you” tactic.

They’re trying to woo us.

I think that if we stay focused on getting what we want then the negative connotation associated with the “F” word would be representative of: fairness, freedom and a fair-shake.

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Tick-Tick-Boom

Posted on by knowledgemaven

Photo credit: iStockphoto. Used with permission.

“Wow that sounds like lots to take on, girlie,” I was on the phone with my dear friend. She was telling me that things have become so hectic in her life lately. As she continued, I knew exactly what her issue was – she was overwhelmed (again) and had taken on too much (again). I wanted to help, to lend my thoughts but something inside me said, “just listen, do nothing.” Spirit has an amazing way of slowing you down. I think this because while my friend was lamenting about her situation, I was checking my kids homework, actively listening for the buzzer from the dryer, and planning the next day meals…. all while listening to her.

Yeah, my mind gets pretty crowded at times.

Truth is, I am a good listener, and I do want to help. If there’s a problem, I have a need to fix it or at least offer up an opinion. And sometimes errr most of the time okay-okay majority of the time, I try to take over. I can’t help it. I have the uncontrollable urge to right wrongs, to balance things out and even offer a swift kick in the caboose, if necessary …. I have a helping tick.

Hopefully not a neurotic control freak tick.

I knew it got out of hand when I was bombarded one day by six different people, all whom wanted to talk with me. “You’re such a great listener,” they all started.  And as I held six different conversations and offered up six different perspectives, I slowly began to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. After each conversation, my heart became heavier and heavier. I could feel the energy leave my body, and as I finished the final talk I was no longer sitting upright, rather slouched over using my hands to prop errr rest my head. I was ticked out.

What’s worse is I had the uncontrollable urge to cry. I thought, “oh my gawd, I’m having a breakdown.” But Spirit intervenes, as she always does, and reassured me that I was fine, but my helping tick was getting me in trouble.

Has this happened to you? Do you find yourself not only listening but internalizing what people share with you?

I realized that listening only entails a sincere act on my part to allow my friends to vent. I need not say anything. I also realized that listening and being a good friend does not always require me to fix their issues. I need not do anything. I’m just a conduit.

I still have the helping tick; I can’t just turn it off. I still have the incredible impulse to dive in and take over but I’ve found that I’m actually a better friend by keeping that urge in check.  I only use my powers when it’s absolutely necessary. It’s a win-win: my friends get the best listener – and I’m happy to do that – I, in turn, get my mind and my posture back.

Mirror, Mirror

Posted on by knowledgemaven

“Never limit yourself because of others’ limited imagination; never limit others because of your own limited imagination.”
Mae Jemison, astronaut

——————–

Photo credit: iStockphotos (Used with permission).

“Y’ know back in mah day, Black weymen couldn’t get jes any ole jawb,” there was a somber tenor in my grandmother’s voice. She shifted slightly in her chair and crossed and re-crossed her legs at the ankles. I revealed to her that I wanted to be a writer, being 9 or 10-years old at the time, I wasn’t sure yet.

She could have easily told me to find a good job, a husband, settle down and have some kids; instead she told me that I could be what I wanted. Her only advice was that whatever it was, I should do it well.

 “Eef yur’ a maid, be a gud maid. Eef yur a doctor be a gud doctor and so on. Jes take pride in whatever it is you do.”

For her, three or four generations removed from living on a plantation, southern African-American women in her day traditionally did not take on major roles in the business world. Instead they assumed roles that were inherited or that they were expected to fill — maids, cooks, nannies, or sharecroppers. And when she started watching television and movies in the 50s and 60s, she saw African-American women in roles that mirrored what she saw every day — casted as maids, cooks, nannies, or sharecroppers.

The 9 or 10-year old version of me couldn’t imagine having to pick a specific profession simply because that was the way other people saw me or worse turned down from a job simply because I’m an African-American woman. Now, the thirty-something year old me know better. Call it a hunch or intuition but I learned quickly who was playing fair and with whom I could call foul.

My point is, during the times when I discovered that things were not on the level, it didn’t stop me. It slowed me down, but it didn’t stop me. I could have become bitter and resentful but I didn’t. Admittedly, I’ve had set backs (Lord knows I have) and even still some days I wake up and wonder: what tha’ hell am I doing here? Am I living up to my true potential? Am I being authentic?As for my grandmother, she wanted to be an entrepreneur – she would have proudly owned and operated a restaurant (and would have been amazing no doubt). But like her and countless others, they unselflessly sacrificed their dreams and did what they had to do for the sake of doing it. I’m grateful to women like them who braved the hurricane so that I would only have to endure a little rain.

So I’ll pass on to you what she taught me: If you’re going to be a maid be a good one, if you’re going to be a doctor be a good doctor. Just take pride in whatever it is you do.

Also implied is that there’s nothing wrong with being a maid or doctor, there’s a problem when you believe that it is all you are capable of being.

You define you. You shape your path. You decide.